Nollywood Movies That Stress Me Out Pt.1

This is just me narrating a cherry picked selection of movies that really raised my blood pressure, and it’s purely for your enjoyment.

A Trip To Jamaica- This 2016 repeat of 30 Days In Atlanta has me cringing severely from beginning to end. In this destination ensemble film, our main couple Akpors (AY Makun) and Bola (Funke Akindele) make an unexpected trip abroad to see some family members. A trip to Jamaica might have just been a trip to Lagos. This movie did absolutely nothing to sell the ‘Jamaica’ in it save for a couple guys smoking on the beach and some establishing shots of blue water. It was just full of jokes falling flat and it proved that an ambitious plot with a star-studded cast doesn’t necessarily hit home all the time.

The Wedding Party 2: Destination Dubai- Not as funny as the first, but still kind of cute, The Wedding Party 2 does absolutely too much. This movie shows us everything but a wedding. They eventually get to it at the end but it’s just a montage with all the characters dancing in pairs in front of the same decorated arch. First off, Nonso (Eyinna Nwigwe) proposes to Deardre (Daniella Down) by accident???!?! From this chaos, only more chaos ensues. I have so many questions. Why didn’t he just clarify the mistake proposal? Why was Harrison the spokesman for the Wilsons?? Why was Dunni (Adesua Etomi) in the club heavily pregnant??? Why was Rosie (Beverly Naya) introduced only to do nothing at all???? Why did aunty Adanna (Patience Ozokwor) travel all the way to Dubai to be bad vibes????? Overall, this movie was more about Dubai and the over exaggerated characters than the main couple, or the wedding.

Chief Daddy 2: Going For Broke- Now, I’m just going to say it, this movie didn’t need to be made. What in the nollywood is this??? From the fact that there’s no plot, to the unbelievable events, Chief Daddy 2 is a hot mess. We pick up where the first movie left off and Laila (Rahama Sadau) shows up at the Beecroft mansion looking pissed. And that’s the whole movie, Laila is pissed at the Beecrofts because the 'chief daddy' is also her father and she shows up to take all the money after his demise. They’re all clearly going broke throughout the course of the film and the solution to that is to travel to Dubai??? *takes deep breaths to deal with the idiocy* Okay, so Femzy (Falz) and Sisi Ice Cream (Linda Ejiofor) decide to go to Dubai in hopes of getting Femzy’s music career off the ground. Somehow somehow they run into Brodashaggi, who plays their cab guy and they all somehow become best friends. He sha takes them fi idiot and they’re upset but somehow things just end up working out?? *sigh..* Oh oh oh, and Dammy Baggio (played by Mawuli) just happens to suddenly talk Laila out of being bitter…. It’s all just a big no.

Nneka The Pretty Serpent (2020 Remake)- When Nneka's parents are murdered, she meets the Queen of the Coast, who offers to assist her in uncovering the identity of those responsible. This alters the trajectory of her life, as she embarks on a revenge mission. The backstory to this version is so confusing. Her mother tells her a story about the Queen Mother who kills a successor when she turns 32 because she doesn’t want to relinquish power. Then we see her parents get murdered by some buff guys in wrappers with cutlasses. Jump back to the present day, we have our main girl Nneka (Idia Aisien) going through it. She has a landlord that is actively thirsting after her and her boss in the restaurant that’s just a pain in the as… neck. The only things she has going for her are her two relationships. One is her friend and the other is some guy. No really he’s just some guy she likes. On her way back from work she somehow ends up in the water and gets possessed by a snake. She starts conversing with the Queen Mother ( played by the original Nneka, Ndidi Obi) in some CGI forest that looks like a discount Ancestral Plane from Black Panther. Then she starts her revenge killing spree. What sends me is the fact that she put on different disguises, but still looked absolutely recognizable. She also uses her real name with the different disguises but still doesn’t get caught. At some point there’s a fight scene with Bovi’s character… This movie was 140 minutes long…. It was one note and disappointing.

Nneka The Pretty Serpent (The 1994 Original)- Here I was thinking that the remake was bad because it was a try-hard that missed. *laughs because it only gets worse* . Well, Il’l give the original one thing though, It’s way more entertaining than the remake. It fits into the classic requirements of ‘legendary nollywood’ where movies are so bad they’re even somewhat.. good?

It starts off with some lady holding a chicken by the river. She’s begging the river goddess to give her a child. She just tosses the poor chicken in there . No transitions, no exposition, the movie makers just launch us into the present where we see Nneka (Ndidi Obi) and her Nkechi (Ngozi Ezeonu friend being ’90’s Happening Babes’. Some lady approaches Nneka in the streets and warns her to leave her husband alone. Apparently she is a mermaid disguised as a human whose mission on earth was to go after married men. They both clear Mrs Ogbonna (the salty lady) and she decides to go home and cuss her husband out. Then, we are introduced to Ify and Tony. Ify is scared Tony might just be using her. She tells him this and he reassures her and insists they both go to the village to meet his family. *Sigh…..* They somehow end up at a party where our main villain Nneka basically snatches Tony from Ify and things just go downhill from there. There’s just a lot that happens and the best way to summarize it all is; Nneka came to steal, kill and destroy…..